


The Dismay of May Parker

by sunbean72



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, May Parker is amazing, Peter Parker is an Avenger, Precious Peter Parker, The Talk, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-05 15:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12192465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbean72/pseuds/sunbean72
Summary: Tony Stark realizes he has some explaining to do to May Parker about Peter.





	The Dismay of May Parker

There was a certain kind of icy dread that, ninety-percent of the time, was enough on its own to trigger his anxiety. He hated that word, by the way. Trigger. He'd done as much as he could to distance himself from weapons, from his title as Merchant of Death, and yet even in this small way in the confines of his own mind and emotions, he couldn't escape the connection. The connotation. Sometimes he couldn't help but think he was a gun pointed at all his loved ones, waiting to go off at any moment, and that word, _trigger_ , as if he weren't the one in control just the method used to hurt and destroy, he didn't like that. Was he a weapon? Maybe. He wasn't ashamed of who he was. At least not that much. No, he wasn't ashamed of who he was but he still hated the word "trigger."

Shame no. Guilt, maybe. That was the icy dread part. It came from something happening that he couldn't fix. Couldn't change. There was a lot of that. Sometimes he expected it. The guilt over Yinsen's death; technically not his fault, yet he still felt guilty for it at odd times, too, all these years later. Guilt over the US soldiers that had died by the hand of enemies with his weapons in them, that was a guilt he wasn't willing to part with, to be honest, he held on to that one even when the therapist and Rhodey and a half dozen other people had told him that was out of his hands, not his fault, he shouldn't feel guilty.

Well. He damn well should. Someone had to. They didn't get the luxury of being un-killed and living a long and fulfilling life full of love and happiness, so he didn't get to let go of the guilt. He'd take it with him to the grave if he had any say in it, and he did. 

He'd talked to the therapist about feeling guilty about Obie's death. It was screwed up, but there it was. He thought if he hadn't been so damn self-centered he would have known that Obie was doing some shady crap and he could have stopped him. Could have talked sense into him. Could have altered things so that he didn't try to have him assassinated him and rip his heart out and then still try and kill him with the Ironmonger suit. His old mentor and adoptive father had the record, maybe, for the number of times attempted at killing him. Not a nice thought.

And Pepper, okay? There was enough guilt there to last ten lifetimes. He couldn't even get his head around all of it. Even a vague catalog of everything that he'd put her through or she'd gone through because of her relationship with him was enough to make him insane. More insane. The therapist had told him for her emotional and mental well-being, he had to stop drudging up all the reasons he had to feel guilty when it came to Pepper because she'd forgiven him and it only wounded her when he got "emotionally quagmired in the quicksand of shame and guilt." In her case, not a lot of the bad things had happened because of him directly but because of bad guys being bad guys, but she'd suffered because she loved and cared about him and that was... that was terrible. He hated that. 

He hated that Rhodey couldn't walk without help anymore. The fault for that could stretch a long way back, a chain like dominoes that lead to Vision that lead to Ultron that lead to more blame and guilt. He was throwing himself on the grenade on that one. There were others involved, some deeply. It wouldn't have happened without Wanda, without Bruce, without Thor, without Loki. But they all acted through _him_ and he was just going to own it to be able to move forward. If he'd been expecting at least a protest or argument from Steve when he blamed himself, he was mistaken anyway and it just reaffirmed that he wasn't the only one who thought he was the main one to blame.

The absolute dumpster fire of the Avengers team collapse. He felt a lot of guilt over that. He'd gone over it plenty of times wondering how he could have done it differently, but there was a simple fact to face. A lot of things could have gone differently on both sides but it couldn't now.

Three times he'd picked up Steve's damn phone. Not to ask for help from him, the insufferable bastard, but because he wanted to apologize to Barnes. Technically the man was still capable of the very act of murder he'd committed on Maria and Howard Stark; sure. In fact, he'd tried to kill a few... maybe most... of the Avengers. _Sure_ there was the fact that Steve should have told him the truth in any case so he wasn't hearing it from Zemo, and _sure_ Barnes should have been getting professional help, not out about in the world as if he was perfectly safe to do so, but that was beside the point. Barnes was a victim of Hydra and he killed his parents and he had been caught in the same blast of rage and utter betrayal that Tony felt toward Steve. He tried not to kill himself with worry about what could have happened if he'd been able to incapacitate Steve long enough to kill Barnes. He didn't think he'd do it. But he wasn't sure and that was the problem.

It had happened.

He wished it hadn't.

Swimming (at times) and drowning (at times) in the guilt was simply part of his day to day now. He was working on it. Working on being a better person, working on fixing his many character flaws. 

Working on not trying to carry burdens of guilt that weren't his to bear. 

Simple truth he was learning: sometimes it was easier to take the blame and feel guilty for bad things happening because it gave him an illusion of control. That _he_ could make sure it didn't happen again if he was the one responsible for it.

The illusion of control was... complicated. It wasn't pleasant, exactly, but it was better than the alternative. But it came at a cost. One he was learning was too steep to pay.

Anyway.

Icy dread.

The beautiful May Parker standing passively across from him, her face set like stone, her eyes hurt and _angry_ flooded him with guilt. The kind of icy that burned. Her body was rigid and tense, an outward sign of the control she was exercising not to, probably, slap his face. Or punch. Yeah, it might have escalated to punch, at this point.

Peter looked angry, embarrassed (verging on humiliated, really), apologetic, and honestly on the verge of tears. Tony gave him a tiny, reassuring smile, but nothing too big; he didn't want to antagonize his aunt any more than he already had. Pepper touched Peter's shoulder. "Come on, let's grab a snack while they talk. Do you like corn dogs?" May shot Peter a look of dire warning and Peter looked defiant and apologetic in the same moment.

"All right," Tony said, keeping his voice low. May snapped her attention back to him, clenching her jaw. She was so angry tears stood out in her eyes. Tony put his hands behind his back so she wouldn't see his fist clench. So she wouldn't know how badly this hurt him. He didn't want her pulling any punches. She probably wouldn't, but she was a kind, loving, and compassionate person. She would be thinking of Peter's feelings as well. So he hid it. He faced her calmly. "Mrs. Parker, I want to thank you for being here. I know you don't want to be. I know you're angry with me. I know this is hard."

"Do you?" The words were so dripping with acidic venom Tony felt his chest tighten. "Is that what you know, Mr. Stark?"

"Maybe I don't. Why don't you tell me?" He invited her with a spread of his arms. Invited her explanation of her pain and anger. Invited any attack he might make upon him. Not shielding himself. No armor. No sunglasses. No fancy suit, even. He stood as vulnerable to her as he could make himself.

May looked at him suspiciously, then her mouth tightened. "You are a complete asshole, Stark." Tony raised his eyebrows and then pressed his thumb and forefinger to his eyes. He sighed.

"No debating that, Mrs. Parker," he replied gently. "Do you want to sit down?"

"No!"

"Okay." He said nothing else but only looked at her with quiet expectation, inviting her to continue.

She did. "You think you can decide what's best for a child? You think you can put him in life or death situations that he's completely incapable of dealing with it? Do you even know how much stress and pain you put him through or were you too busy caring about exploiting his gifts for your own interests? Did you think about me at all? Or Peter's well-being? What would you have done if something happened to him?" She shot out.

"No, no, yes but no, yes quite a bit, every day, and I don't know." She glared at him.

"What?"

"No, I can't decide what's best for him, Mrs. Parker. I categorically could not. I'd been keeping a close eye on Peter for a long time, because certain government officials were beginning to take an unhealthy interest in Spider-Man. My position as leader of the Avengers and my agreement with the UN by signing the Accords gave me a small amount of ability to keep those people away from him. I knew I couldn't stop him and I also knew I had to protect him." He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a headache start. "No, I don't think I can put him in life or death situations he has no capability of dealing with. I saw him doing that on his own and tried to reign it in, believe it or not."

"Not," May said shortly. "Peter showed me the airport fight. He was trying to show me how much good he'd done, all I saw was you putting him in the path of a Hydra assassin and some of the only people on the planet capable of actually hurting him. You lied to me. I can't believe you lied to me."

"I know. Believe me, I do. I had to draw a fine line between guiding Peter to safer waters, and not betraying his trust. He didn't come to me, Mrs. Parker. I figured out his identity and came to him. I couldn't just let bad things happen to him by not intervening, and I couldn't just tell his secret to people, even you. It was not my place. And I did lie to you, Mrs. Parker, and I'm incredibly sorry for the pain and anxiety it has caused you. I got your permission to take him to Germany under false pretenses. My only defense, and I know it's not enough, is that I was trying to save... I was..." he paused, his chest tightened with anxiety so tightly that getting a breath seemed a chore. He could not, could not, have an anxiety attack _right now._ He took a moment and pushed it down. "I was trying to save the Avengers team. You've seen what we've done. You live in New York. You know what we do what we did, what we... you know how important it is for a lot of reasons that I make that attempt. And Peter was amazing. He is so gifted and so smart and such a good kid. It _was_ selfish, but I needed him. I needed him on my side. He was not supposed to engage _anyone_ , just keep his distance and web them up. Things might have gone worse without him, and I'm incredibly thankful for all he did. I can only say I'm sorry, and I understand if you can't forgive me."

May glared at him defiantly, but he saw in the brief pursing of her lips that she understood what he was desperately trying to communicate. She didn't like it, didn't agree with it, but she understood it. Lifting her chin at him she went and threw herself on the couch, crossing her arms tightly. He slowly walked over and sat across from her. "I do know I caused him stress and pain. I know... I know quite a bit about it, actually. This is no... I know it doesn't matter, but I did try. When I saw, and when he started pushing dangerous boundaries, I did everything I could to restore a bit of normalcy for the kid by taking away the suit. It was good for him, but I have to admit I wish I'd trusted him more. It was me that... It was... I was the one who got scared." He winced and looked away but then met her unhappy gaze. 

"After the ferry. I worried about him not being able to control a situation and I worried about something happening to him. Because if _anything_ would have happened to him, it would have been my fault. Because I didn't protect him. Didn't watch him close enough. Whatever it was. So, um. Yes, I do know what he was going through. I tried to mitigate it. I failed at times, and to the both of you I am sorry."

May shook her head, roughly wiping away a tear. "I did think about you, Mrs. Parker," Tony said quietly. "Believe it or not, I convinced myself I was helping you by watching over him. I've got to be the worst, most inept, idiotic guardian angel on the planet, but uh. I thought it wasn't my secret to tell you and the best I could do is keep him from hurting himself or someone else by keeping an eye on him uh... for you.

"What would I have done if something happened to him?" He leaned back and didn't answer for a long few moments, reluctantly meeting her eyes again. "The only thing I can ever do when things go wrong, Mrs. Parker. Try to prevent it. Give him tools to prevent it. And try to fix it if I didn't anticipate it."

"He's all I have," May said, making him see her pain and fear and anger by holding his gaze. "He was not _yours_ to watch over. He was mine. We both know that there are some things when they go wrong, nothing can make right." A sudden image of Peter sobbing over Ben's coffin flittered across her mind, and it took her breath away. She had to swallow the lump in her throat several times before she could continue. "Yet you were willing to gamble that, to risk it, to risk _him!_ How dare you? I don't care if he didn't want to tell me. He's a teenager. It was too big of a secret. You should have told me. You should have talked to me and got my permission. You should have let me talk to him," she seethed. 

"You're probably right about that," Tony murmured. He fidgeted, tapping his foot, then stood suddenly, pacing a few feet back and forth, tight with anxiety. He came to her and with a pleading glance gestured to ask if he could sit by her. Grudgingly she moved over, keeping her arms tightly crossed.

"So, um... about that. This... isn't an excuse. And I would do it differently, maybe, except that I've kept some very bad people in the government from bugging him. Peter has saved a lot of lives. Like, a lot of lives. If I'd done it differently maybe he wouldn't have. But I do regret the pain and," he shook his head, knowing there wasn't an adequate term for what they'd been through. "And everything you've gone through. And I want to explain something, so," he blew out a breath. "So sorry I have to tell you something kind of personal about me." She frowned, looking up at him.

"I was pretty much on my own when I was fifteen. I went to college and... and because of that, I was never much around any other fifteen-year-olds. I didn't know what they were like. My parents they... my dad encouraged my independence. I never knew any different. And I saw a lot of myself in Peter, you know? Uh." May's eyebrows had shot up. "Like me because... he's a smart, smart kid. Works really hard to figure stuff out. I was like that. But he's got good friends, and I didn't have anyone like that for a while. And... well, to be honest, he's not a total, selfish screw-up like I was. Am, whatever. He was already doing as much good as he could. As much good as possible. And it was so stupid, but I just wanted to help him. And keep him safe. And yeah... I kind of wanted..." he cleared his throat, pausing a moment.

"I wanted to be for him what I wished someone had been for me. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure out what was really important. Maybe he wouldn't have to go through some of the things I went through that were... they really sucked and the more I got to know him the more I wanted to protect him. But, yeah. Mrs. Parker--"

"May," she said through clenched teeth. He looked at her with surprise. "Call me May I hate being called Mrs. Parker."

"Okay," he said, subdued, his heart hopeful and sad at once. "I was just going to say... I don't know what I'm doing, sometimes. Maybe... maybe ever. But Peter's good. He's a good kid. I trust his intentions and I want to help him and all that. But M-May, I will stop. Right now. If you want. I will tell him I care about him, good luck, call me if you need me. I'll keep the government types off his back. But I'll bow out right now, just say the word."

Though her arms were still crossed, her posture had relaxed. She was casually crying still, wiping away the occasional tear. She was silent a long time then looked up at him. 

"I don't like you." He nodded, regretful but understanding. "But... I guess I don't hate you. And you are an asshole. But you're not only an asshole. You... _might_ have... one or two redeeming qualities. And _I guess_ there are _sometimes_ that... it's been... okay. Good for Peter. To have you to teach him and look out for him. I guess you guys can keep your little superhero in training gig, _on a few conditions._ " Tony sat up straighter. "One. No lying to me, ever again. Or keeping things from me. No detail is too small, I don't care. You have to give me updates like... like every day if you need to. I gotta know if something is dangerous and don't tell me it all is I already know I don't care. I get included in the discussion and I have unlimited and unreserved veto power, period, on any and all activities."

"Easy."

" _Fine._ And I reserve the right to pull the plug entirely if it's getting to be too much for him." She unfolded her arms and looked up at him. "And... thank you. For the times you watched out for him, especially with the government types." Worry creased her face. "Are they likely to come after him?"

"I obscured his identity in every way I know how. And part of my agreement to work with the US at all instead of relinquishing all my resources to the UN exclusively, that stays with me. They don't get to know who he is. It was too dangerous." Her eyes widened.

"Thank you. And I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff I don't know _and I don't want to know_ that you've done, it just freaks me out. But thanks."

"No problem," Tony said in a low voice to try and obscure the sudden emotion he felt. "Come on. I'll take you two to lunch with me and Pepper. If he hasn't filled up on corndogs."

"Ha! The limit does not exist, when it comes to food and Peter." May allowed herself a small smirk of a smile. She wasn't comfortable, she was still mad as hell, really. And scared. But she was beginning to think maybe things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? Did Tony get off easy? Was there other things he should have answered for? Or do you think Tony has earned a little bit of slack after his explanation?


End file.
